Transition to my Eat, Pray, Love

I work for a grant program that had its funding cut. We've known about the money running out for nearly three years now. My boss has spent this time pretending that more funding was coming any day now, but it hasn't. When he finally attempted to address the elephant in the room about myself and my co-worker who's funding source has not been renewed, it was done so shady and so much to cover his ass that I thought to myself "I am sooo done here." Truth be told, I've been unhappy at this job for many years. I've been too scared and too comfortable to leave though. I'm scared I won't find another job that I am comfortable at. I know I won't find a job that pays as well for as little as I work with the flexibility I have and co-workers I like. It just doesn't happen for most people, ya know?

But, I'm done. Even though my boss says I could stay if I wanted, I feel stuck in this job and am unhappy. I'm gonna squeeze out as much as possible out of my benefits and vacation hours until the remaining money is exhausted, but I can't wait to get out of here.

I'm going to spend the next 3 months defining what my "Eat, pray, love" is gonna look like and then spend the next 3-6 months doing it. I'm in the "figuring it out" phase now to see what's going to work for me. And also getting support from the strangest of people and places. I randomly went to a party and ran into an acquaintance that I haven't seen in a long time. She was a lawyer working god awful hours the last time I saw her. But right now she is doing exactly what I want to do. She's taking a break a from work. She encouraged me and reassured me that this is what I need to do for myself and that I wouldn't regret it. At least she hasn't. Running into her felt like a sign.

It's a big decision to make though, you know. I've been thinking about this for months but I just have so much fear of the unknown. I actually had break down in mindfulness meditation class from the stress of the decision. Luckily my teacher is awesome and talked me off the ledge by the pretty quickly, albeit publicly in front of the class (there's only 5 of us). It was so helpful and so weird and so exactly what I needed at that moment.

Meditation is staying in the rotation for my mental health and it's a practice that needs some cultivation. So there's the "pray" component of eat, pray love- no ashrams for me though. And actually "eat" can be crossed out as I've never been a foodie. Love may get a shot at staying in the rotation, but it's not official yet.

So... Eat, Pray, Love (?) could turn into Meditate, Volunteer, Write, Feed Stray Animals. The main point of this post is to declare that I'm taking a sabbatical. It's official.

Lessons learned: 2014 Edition

Here are some things I learned in 2014:

1.Don't refer to anyone as your fiancé until they actually ask you to marry them. Even if you've talked about it as a sure thing, and even if it's only to boost your rental application to the top. Talk about jinxing yourself. Lesson learned. I will never refer to anyone as my fiance until the ring is on my finger again.

2.I can do 10% better. In just about everything. 10% is not that much. It's only an incremental improvement and only requires slightly more energy invested. I found this to be the case in listening to my co-workers, exercising, communicating with my friends, controlling my emotions and fears, and pretty much all my inter-personal interactions.

3. It's easy to get caught up in the emotional highs and lows of a relationship, but your significant other is not your possession. They are an independent person that requires compassion and support. I always assumed that if I treated others they way I wanted to be treated all would be equanimous. Not so I learned. Everyone has different needs in a relationship. And men's needs in a relationship are different than women's in many instances. Learning to really listen to your significant other while removing your own judgement is a skill I hope to acquire someday.

4. If you know someone loves you, give them the benefit of the doubt. Check the knee-jerk reaction to a perceived insult or injury and just ask what the deal is without allowing emotions to escalate. Give the benefit of the doubt knowing there is love there.

Feeling Better

Just in the last week I've been feeling better. Healthier. More joyful. Hanging out with my best friends over New Year's helped a lot. Not that my depression is gone completely. I still cry easily and am usually fatigued but I do feel markedly better. I have the appointment with the therapist that I've been waiting for three months on Friday. My fear is that I'll like her (I chose a female therapist this time)but I will have to wait another three months to see her. We shall see

Thanksgiving 2011

Bikram's 5-10ish

I've actually lost count on how many classes I've taken now. Probably 9 or 10. I had been averaging one class a week (and then..no excuse why I didn't go last week). However the last class I finally had adjusted to the heat. I could actually move after class and didn't feel light headed for 20 minutes after.

Now that my 1 month membership has expired, I'm not sure how often I'll be able to afford to go. My goal would be once a week. I do feel like it's great exercise and very, very challenging. The only downside is that it takes so much freaking time for one class. It takes me 20 minutes to get there and you need to be 10 minutes early to get a spot for your mat and adjust to the heat.  It takes me another 15 minutes to cool off in the locker room after class and the class itself is an hour and a half. So it's over 2.5 hour comitment in the evening plus having to deal with sweaty clothes and towels and mat after.

Source: weblogs.sun-sentinel.com via Michelle on Pinterest

This shit is hard yo!

"The Ranch"

Molly and I were invited to a ranch in Warner Springs this weekend. We went on Saturday and had such a nice day. Molly was happy as can be to be able to run around, have other dogs to play with and sniff all sorts of new smells. It was total sensory overload for her and she slept for 12 hours afterwards =)

Bikram #4 and weigh in

So I attempted Jillian Anderson's lose 5 pounds in 7 days. I didn't quite make it 7 days of drinking 60 ounces of her drink. In fact on the 4th of July I replaced water with white sangria....

I also did 4 Bikram yoga classes. Which were hard and time consuming. Class number 4 was a little better in that I could do more of the standing poses but then I sat out several of the sitting poses. This was the first time I had almost a burning sensation in my legs I was so hot. I attempted to shower in the locker room. But honestly getting my clothes off was a hard chore so quickly after class and I was still super wiped out and winded. I did have a ton energy when I got home after my heart rate and temperature returned to normal. It's not unusual fo rme to have to sit in my car a few minutes before I can drive home. I signed up for an other month of Bikram's classes so I hope to stick with it.

Well. I lost grand total of 2 pounds in 7 days. I'm telling you, I am having the hardest time losing the last 3 pounds I want to lose.

4th of July weekend photos

Bikram #3 and Feather Locks

Did bikram's class #3 last night. First thing: I weighed myself before and after, and although it was a crappy scale with a small numbers that I couldn't read (not digital), the needle was definitely at a lower number after class. I lost 1 or 2 pounds in water weight in 90 minutes (yes!).

Also, it's still really really really hard. I tried (and succeeded) in doing more of the poses this time but there are still several that I can't do yet.  Mostly the ones involving placing my head back or down below my heart make me dizzy. I haven't gotten used to the heat yet. It's been at the hour and 15 minute mark that I really want to get the hell out of there because the heat becomes too much.

I didn't feel as great after this class as I did previously. Part of it had to do with the fact that I was already pretty tired before class. Afterwards, my arms and legs felt like jello and my whole body was tired. I didn't have any energy. I'm going to do one more class before my one week trial is over and then decide if I will sign up for more. Bikram's Kearny Mesa has a one month special for $90 but it goes up significantly after that and I won't be able to afford it. But at $15/class maybe I'll be able to go once a week...dunno...

Changing topics: Feather locks hair extensions.
Why are they so popular?

I personally won't be rocking any look endorsed by Steven Tyler but to each their own.
 I've been seeing them on girls everywhere so it's clearly "in" right now. But everytime I see them, I think they have a twig or something in their hair. And I want to pull it out for them. Ha!

Bikram yoga, Day 2

Here's what Molly was doing while I was suffocating in bikram's. She didn't even get up when I got home.

I did slightly better class but DAMN it's hot in there. I still had to lay down or sit out a bunch of the poses. I do have more energy after class but it's not necessarily a good thing. It's midnight and not tired. I should be exhausted! I haven't caught up on my sleep from the weekend yet!

Bikram yoga, Day 1

I'm super uncomfortable with my body right now. Primarily due to a long weekend of drinking and eating in excess. (I'll write more about the wedding later). I happenned to see this in a blog and decided to try it. I'm on day 2. One good thing I can say about it so far is that I'm so full of water that I'm not as hungry.

• Get 60 ounces of distilled or pure water and...
• Add a tablespoon of sugar free cranberry juice
• Add 1 dandelion root tea bag 
• Add 2 tablespoons of lemon juice
• You Drink the 60 ounces every day for 7 days
• This recipe works because it helps flush out excess water weight you have carrying around in your body and...
• You could lose more than 5 pounds in 7 days depending on how much excess water weight you're carrying around.

Also, my friend has been doing Bikram yoga and she looks and feels great so I tried it for the second time last night. It was as bad as I remember, maybe a little worse. I sweat so freakin' much!!! And I had to sit out a lot of the standing poses. Anytime my head dipped down or back, I got dizzy and light headed. I was so soaking wet with sweat and so was my towel at the end. I looked pretty stupid but no pain, no gain. I'm pretty sure that if I stuck with it, I would lose the weight I want and possibly have better posture. Plus I did feel pretty good afterwards. The only problem was that the class ended at 10pm and I was wide awake after that.

So. I'm going back tonight. Wish me luck.

Updated bucket list

Updated bucket list:
Run a half marathon
Visit Ireland
Raise a child
Dance a solo on stage
Teach seniors hula
Swim with manta rays
Do something truly selfless
Volunteer with elephants
Attend Merrie Monarch in Hawaii
Go to Bonaroo
Visit Tahiti
Visit Hearst Castle
Go BIG at Oktoberfest in Germany
Visit the Aviarios Sloth Sanctuary in Costa Rica So I completed the Rock n Roll Half marathon this weekend. It went well! The run went by relatively quickly for me. I think I was pretty well prepared and there was plenty to look at while I was running. I have to say that the bands on the Rock n Roll course were disappointing!! I thought I would have them for entertainment and distraction and the bands were the reason I chose to sign up for this particular half marathon. But I honestly was not impressed.

 My mom met me at mile marker 9 which was super sweet and nice of her seeing that she had to take the trolley to get there. It really perked me up seeing her. Then she got back on the trolley and then drove to my place to walk Molly for me.

 Taiko drummers- My favorite "band" on the race course.

Interesting how wonky the photos I took on my phone while running came out.

 Somewhere along Friars Rd

I left my house at 4:30am. I started my run at 7am. I finished my run at 9:06am and I got home at 11.
Then my mom and I went for a bomb celebratory champagne brunch at the Catamaran. I loved every morsel and mimosa! Then I took a long nap.

I think I will work on visiting Hearst castle next.

Happy Hour Ho's

I love these broads.

Girl time is extremely important to me. All relationships require maintenance, including your friendships.

This is why I love my HHH (Happy Hour Ho's) Thursday night group. These girls are kick ass and I am proud to call them my friends. I really do think something can be said about the company you keep. And what I like about MY company is that it says I kick ass by default of those around me. We meet Thursday nights and either try a new restaurant or potluck it at one of our places. However there is always booze involved. These girls make me laugh so hard it hurts. I love our routine. I highly recommend everyone to force your friends whose company you enjoy to make a similar social commitment.

I've survived some bumpy roads in my less than 30 years of life and I've come to the conclusion that it really is the people in your life that make life worth living and you never know how long they may be around for so you have to squeeze every bit of juice out of the time you have together.

Wow that sounded like a sermon...or a hallmark card or something that I usually hate reading on people's bumper stickers. So I'll stop now.