And even when I read through what I had started to write... it isn't very helpful.
It wasn't until I read the article
http://www.megfee.com/megfee/2009/01/16/for-claritys-sake-this-is-the-story-of-how-i-came-to-know-ned?rq=for%20clarity%27s%20sake from Meg Fee about her eating disorder that I thought I should really finish writing about my experience with depression because reading her blog post helped me. And maybe what I write can help someone else. Or at least, not feel so alone in their experience.
I too, like "Meg Fee," felt like the professionals that I sought help from did more harm than good. I got incorrect diagnosis and just bad "treatment." I know not everyone has this experience. Some people get lucky and hit a home run on their first attempt at seeking help. But I think that is more the exception than the rule.
I was diagnosed with major depression about 8 years ago. I've had depression on and off since I was a teenager I believe now. At the time I was diagnosed I was having thoughts of suicide all the time. I went to my healthcare provider (kaiser) and was told I was lucky and I was able to get 4 whole private therapy sessions!!! Although I expressed that I didn't want to be put on anti-depressants, I was pressured into it anyway. A Psychiatrist spent about 10 minutes with me, after after knowing nothing about me, put me on generic Zoloft (or Prozac I can't remember which was first).
That's when I entered the zombie phase of my life. Sure I had fewer thoughts of suicide, but I also had fewer thoughts. I was numb. I didn't feel anything and one of them, generic Zoloft or generic Prozac, made me so tired I couldn't stay awake during the day even after sleeping an average of 10 hours at night. I was practically narcoleptic.
During the last 8 years I've been in and out of serious depression, I've seen at least 6 different therapists and tried at least 6 different anti-depressants. Not once has a prescribing psychiatrist called to see how the medication was working for me. I just stopped taking them and no one knew. No one knew my side effects either.
Fast forward to last month when my thoughts of suicide returned regularly. My life has been stagnating over the years and I just couldn't imagine another 40 years of the same. And I can't tell you the last time I felt happy.
I stopped taking the current long named generic anti-depressant I was on as it wasn't stopping the negative thoughts anyway. I was beginning to truly believe that I was just extremely lazy, and unmotivated, but once I stopped taking the meds I realized I was less fatigued. I decided to explore the alternatives to medication and traditional therapy and try to save my life while I had the energy.
I plan to blog about my experiences. There might be some lapses but that's the plan right now. Thus far I've tried mindfulness meditation, shin-rai spiritual awakening, psychic medium healing and an appointment with an archetypying life coach that told me my archetype was a knight ( with a dash of queen and priestess).