Tuesday, March 24, 2015

On depression

While I've alluded to it, I have not yet really written about my depression. I've started this post several times dating back several years. When I look through my draft posts I can see where I started to put words down on paper. Tried to put words to my feelings and my experience. Tried to form the sentences into a take home message or at least a message. But I couldn't. That's the thing, depression takes a lot out of you and takes away your ability to do simple things, things you want to do, things you intend to do.

And even when I read through what I had started to write... it isn't very helpful.

It wasn't until I read the article
http://www.megfee.com/megfee/2009/01/16/for-claritys-sake-this-is-the-story-of-how-i-came-to-know-ned?rq=for%20clarity%27s%20sake from Meg Fee about her eating disorder that I thought I should really finish writing about my experience with depression because reading her blog post helped me. And maybe what I write can help someone else. Or at least, not feel so alone in their experience.

I too, like "Meg Fee," felt like the professionals that I sought help from did more harm than good. I got incorrect diagnosis and just bad "treatment." I know not everyone has this experience. Some people get lucky and hit a home run on their first attempt at seeking help. But I think that is more the exception than the rule. 

I was diagnosed with major depression about 8 years ago. I've had depression on and off since I was a teenager I believe now. At the time I was diagnosed I was having thoughts of suicide all the time. I went  to my healthcare provider (kaiser) and was told I was lucky and I was able to get 4 whole private therapy sessions!!! Although I expressed that I didn't want to be put on anti-depressants, I was pressured into it anyway. A  Psychiatrist spent about 10 minutes with me, after after knowing nothing about me, put me on generic Zoloft (or Prozac I can't remember which was first).

That's when I entered the zombie phase of my life. Sure I had fewer thoughts of suicide, but I also had fewer thoughts. I was numb. I didn't feel anything and one of them, generic Zoloft or generic Prozac, made me so tired I couldn't stay awake during the day even after sleeping an average of 10 hours at night. I was practically narcoleptic.

During the last 8 years I've been in and out of serious depression, I've seen at least 6 different therapists and tried at least 6 different anti-depressants. Not once has a prescribing psychiatrist called to see how the medication was working for me. I just stopped taking them and no one knew. No one knew my side effects either.

Fast forward to last month when my thoughts of suicide returned regularly. My life has been stagnating over the years and I just couldn't imagine another 40 years of the same. And I can't tell you the last time I felt happy. 

I stopped taking the current long named generic anti-depressant I was on as it wasn't stopping the negative thoughts anyway. I was beginning to truly believe that I was just extremely lazy, and unmotivated, but once I stopped taking the meds I realized I was less fatigued. I decided to explore the alternatives to medication and traditional therapy and try to save my life while I had the energy.

I plan to blog about my experiences. There might be some lapses but that's the plan right now.  Thus far I've tried mindfulness meditation, shin-rai spiritual awakening, psychic medium healing and an appointment with an archetypying life coach that told me my archetype was a knight ( with a dash of queen and priestess). 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Friday, February 27, 2015

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Animal Shelters- it boggles my mind

Today I saw an update on Instagram of a cute dog named Junior that had been put to sleep because he didn't get adopted at the shelter in Chicago. I started crying. How in this day and age is there still a pet overpopulation problem? Bob Barker told us for decades to spay and neuter our pets. And people started doing it. You can't take a pet home from the shelter that isn't fixed. Where are all these cats and dogs coming from and who are these irresponsible people who end up surrendering their pets or worse, abusing and neglecting them? It boggles my mind. I just don't get it.

I volunteered at the Sacramento SPCA well over 10 years ago. It was filled with pit bulls and older dogs and I knew in the back of my mind that many if not most were put down without some serious luck. Families didn't want to bring a dog into their home of unknown background that might be sick or aggressive or unfriendly after an unhappy life. But with all the education efforts and the increased willingness of loving individuals and families to adopt from shelters and the decreasing number of pet shops that sell dogs and cats, why do we still have overcrowded shelters? Why, why, why?

Through Facebook and Instagram I follow so many animal rescues and volunteers across the country and I know that I am not the only one that would love nothing more than to quit my job and start an animal sanctuary. There are so many animal lovers out there tirelessly finding homes for shelter pets and fundraising for the medical expenses of the abused.

So how are there still animals being euthanized in shelters? In my mind, shelters should be more like a lost and found at this point in time. There should be a waiting list to adopt a dog.

The only explanation I can think of is that there are still way too many greedy people in this country that think breeding dogs is means to make quick money. And it is those people that abuse, neglect and fill the shelter directly and indirectly with homeless dogs.

I get so angry. I don't even know what else to say.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Monday, January 26, 2015

Friday, January 16, 2015

Sunday, January 11, 2015