[Warning: I drop a lot of F bombs below]
I've never been a big phone chat person. Never liked calling people and spending hours on the phone. I like to have stuff to talk about when we see each other in person. I've never had the gift of gab and also, I've always had friends that could go on and on and on and on in a one sided conversation about stuff I don't give a shit about.
So you would think I would prefer texting. Nope. I hate it. I hate having to get up to get my phone or dig it out of my purse to reply. I don't like keeping my phone next to me all the time either. It's distracting and I don't like the alerts beeping at me, demanding my attention. Fuck you. I don't have to read you right now. Leave me alone.
Don't even get me started on group texts. Do me a personal favor and turn that option OFF. I might be stoked that you are having a baby (and thankful that you texted instead of called me). But I do not, I repeat do not, want my phone blowing up with 50 different versions of "congrats" from all of your friends and family.
Friends, family members, random dudes I gave my number to, doctors offices, stores, phone companies- stop texting me! Unless you do not need or want me to respond right away and whatever that needs to be communicated is 12O characters or less. Call me, leave a voicemail, facetime me, email me, mail me a letter (preferably a pretty card from Papryus) or Facebook message me if what you need to communicate is longer than a tweet.
And for fucks sake don't ask me out on a date via text. I hate going back and forth over when and where to meet and what kind of food I like. You know all that back and forth could have been avoided by a 2 minute phone call and I wouldn't have to spend 35 fucking minutes thumb typing.
I know I am the anomaly here. I know most girls luuuuuuv texting and even guys like it because they can be a fuckwad coward and ask girls out or blow girls off without any cost to their ego, self respect, time or feelings. Shit, the only time I LIKE texting is when I'm blowing off some guy I'm not interested in and I'm the fuckwad coward.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not completely heartless. On those rare occasions when I have a boyfriend or am seeing someone I am excited about do I like a “good morning beautiful” text? Hell yeah I do! I love it. It's great to know someone you have the hots for is thinking about you and can tell you in a completely non intrusive way.
And of course there are situations where a text is the most rational form of communication. Here are examples of acceptable text messages:
"Please pick up milk on the way home"
“Be there in 10 minutes”
"Left your money on the nightstand"
"Made it home safe"
"I'm leaving you"
(Kidding. Just checking to see if you are actually still reading)
These situations (excluding the last one) do not require verbal interaction or lengthy explanation. Unless you are like me and need to clarify what type of milk. 2%? Nonfat? Organic? Gallon sized or quart? Please be specific. Too many options paralyze me with indecision and make my brain hurt. But I digress. What was I saying? Oh. Don't text me. Unless you are perfectly okay with me not responding at all (most people are not as it turns out) or at all quickly. Pretty much the only time you will get a timely response will be something like "YOU ARE $200 SHORT" or "WTF? I have been waiting for your ass forever".
Dial my phone number and let me hear your voice. It's beautiful. Okay maybe not. But if I like you enough to pick up and not hit the ignore button, I probably want to hear what you have to say. And I probably don't want to read what you have to say unless it's really funny and posted on facebook.